Family Ties Episode Don't Kiss Me, I'm Only The Messenger Transcript

Page 2

Mallory is standing at the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

Mallory: Hi Skippy.

Skippy barely acknowledges Mallory.

Skippy: Oh, hi.  Alex, did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Mallory looks a little hurt, at the lack of attention.

Mallory: Skippy, didn't you hear me?  I just said hi to you.

Skippy: I heard you, hi.  Alex, did you get a chance to talk to Jane yet?

Alex: Not yet.

Mallory: Why do you want Alex to talk to Jane?

Alex: Well, Skippy kind of has a crush on Jane.

Mallory: Oh really?

Alex: Actually, he's crazy about her.

Mallory getting a little upset.

Mallory: Oh really?! 
Goes over to where Skippy is.

Mallory: This is kind of sudden isn't it Skippy?  I mean, you never talked to the girl, you don't know anything about her.  Besides, I thought we had some sort of understanding.  You worship me, and I reject you. (looking hurt).

Walks back over to the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

Skippy: Mallory, those were wonderful years.  But it's over.  Try to be

Skippy gently touches Mallory's cheek.

Mallory looks upset.

Skippy: By the way, does Jane mention me much?

Mallory sounding angry: She doesn't even know you exist.

Mallory exits the kitchen, pushing through the kitchen door a little more forcefully, then necessary.

Skippy: That's good, because once they know I exist, that's when I run into trouble.

Alex: If she means that much to you Skippy, I'll talk to her.

Steven and Jennifer enter from the pantry area.

Steven: I don't know how that mouse got away.  I thought I had him cornered.

Jennifer: Face it Dad, he was toying with you.

Steven: I'll get him Jennifer.  He's in this house somewhere.  And I'll find him. 

Jennifer: I not so sure Dad. This is one smart mouse.

Steven: Not smarter than you and I put together.

Jennifer sits down at the small table by the phone.

Steven: Come on write this down.  We'll need, ply wood, couple of hinges, some nails, chicken wire, a bell, a quart of varnish, and some cheese.

Skippy getting up from kitchen table: You know Mr. Keaton, my Dad once built a mouse trap, but it never worked.

Jennifer: Maybe he didn't use the right knock of bait.

Skippy: No, the bait was just fine, I know, because I used to eat it before the mouse would get to it.

Steven: Lets work on these plans upstairs.

Steven and Jennifer walk toward the swinging door.

Skippy: Can I come to Mr. Keaton, I might be of some use.

Steven: Sure Skippy.

Steven, Jennifer and Skippy exit kitchen through swinging door.

Alex walks toward the refrigerator, gets out something from it.

Jane knocks on back door.

Alex: Yeah, coming.  Hi Jane, what a pleasant surprise.

Jane: Sorry to bother you Alex, I'm just here to study with Mallory.

Alex: No bother. No bother at all Jane.  Come on in, sit down. 

Alex and Jane sit at kitchen table.

Alex: What are you studying there?

Jane: Medieval English poetry.

Alex: You know who's an expert at Medieval English poetry? Skippy.

Jane: Skippy?

Alex: Yeah, Skippy Handleman, you know the tall, good looking fellow, who was here yesterday.

Jane: You mean the lamp?

Alex: Jane, can I ask you a personal question?

Jane: Go ahead.

Alex: Are you seeing anyone right now?  I mean do you have a boyfriend? 

Jane: No one special.

Alex: So, another words, you're not dating anyone on a regular basis?

Jane: No.

Alex: That's great news.  Great news.  I'm glad to hear that.

Jane: Really?

Alex: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that.

Jane: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that Alex.

Alex: What do you mean Jane?

Jane: Alex, I've had a desperate, yearning passion for you, ever since I was
a kid.

Alex: Oh, that's what you mean.  I didn't know you then Jane.

Jane: But I knew you.  I used to watch you across the playground while you were playing with the big kids.  And in high school, when you ran for student council president, I voted for you, 300 times.  Sorry, you didn't win.

Alex: Well, you did all you could.

Jane moves toward Alex.

Jane: Alex, I've waited for this my whole life.

Jane kisses Alex.

Jane: That was a terrific kiss Alex.

Alex: Thank you.  You know who else is a terrific kisser?  Skippy.

Jane: How do you know?

Steven, Jennifer and Alex are in the kitchen.

Jennifer: Are you sure it won't hurt the mouse?

Steven: I'm positive.  It'll just trap him in the box.  And we'll just set him loose somewhere in a field.

Jennifer: But we're taking him far away from his home, to a place where he doesn't have any friend, maybe he doesn't speak the language, where he'll be lost, homesick, lonely, what kind of life is that?

Steven: But, on the other hand, it'll open up new exciting, opportunities for him, expand his horizons, give him the life he's always dreamed of having.

Alex: It's a mouse Dad, not a foreign exchange student.

Jennifer: I'm going to put another coat of varnish on this.

Jennifer exits the kitchen through the back door.

The phone rings.

Alex is sitting on the counter top by the phone.

Alex: Hello?  Oh hi Jane.  You were just thinking of me huh?  What a coincidence, I was just thinking about me too.  Uh, no, not on the phone Jane, no, please just not on, oh alright.

Alex makes a kissing noise into the phone. Then makes three more kissing noises.

Alex: Alright, ok, bye-bye.

Steven: Who was that?

Alex: Skippy's girlfriend.

Steven: How are they getting along?

Alex: Dad, this has gotten completely out of hand.  You see, Skippy saw Jane and fell instantly in love with her, and he tried to talk to her, but the only thing he got out was (makes a noise), so he asked me to try to talk to her.  Which I did, only to find out that she's been in love with me since the first grade.  So, Skippy thinks I've been telling her about him for the last three days, but every time I bring up Skippy's name, Jane cuts me off with a kiss.

Steven: How much of this does Skippy know?

Alex: Everything up to (makes a noise).