Family Ties Episode Don't Kiss Me, I'm Only The Messenger Transcript
Written by Ruth Bennett
Directed by Will Mackenzie
Transcribed by Jenny Dury
Alex: Mom, I still don't think a woman in your condition should be traveling alone.
Mallory: Alex, you know, if you had it your way, Mom would be locked in her room for nine months wearing a veil.
Alex: Oh, come on, that's not true. I see no need for a veil.
Jennifer: Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane?
Elyse: Well, then we name her Amelia Earhart Keaton. Don't worry honey, I'm not going to have the baby on the plane.
Steven: Elyse, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?
Elyse: No honey, the kids need you here. What would you do at a convention with 200 women architects?
Steven: Arm wrestle for money?
Door bell rings.
Skippy: Hi there folks. Oh, my God. It's time, your going to the hospital, your going to have the baby. I had a feeling it was going to be today.
Elyse: No, Skippy, I'm not having the baby, I'm going to Michigan.
Skippy: Oh, I see, you want the baby to have dual citizenship.
Elyse: No, Skippy.
Steven: Never mind, Elyse. Mallory try to explain it to him. Come on Elyse, your going to miss your plane.
Elyse: Oh, ok. Bye, sweetheart. Hugs Mallory.
Jennifer hands her something.
Elyse: Oh, thank you love.
Elyse, Steven and Jennifer leave through the front door.
Alex walks in the front door, Mallory and Skippy are in the livingroom.
Alex: Mallory, I found this girl wandering around. She says she's a friend
Jane: I have a name.
Jane: it's Jane.
Alex: And you know it too. You're brighter than most of Mal's friends.
Jane: Hi Mallory.
Jane hugs Mallory.
Mallory: Hi Jane. That's my brother, I apologize.
Jane looks at Skippy.
Jane: What's this?
Mallory: Oh, that's Skippy. Think of him as a lamp.
They go up the stairs.
Skippy looks mesmerized by Jane.
Alex: Oh, Skip.
No response from Skippy.
Jennifer comes in through the front door.
Looks at Skippy.
Jennifer: What's wrong with him?
Alex: I don't know. Yo, Skippy.
Whistles trying to get Skippy's attention. Waves a hand in front of Skippy's face.
Alex: What happened to you Skippy?
Skippy: What happened? Suddenly my life has meaning. I know why I was put here on planet Earth. I feel so alive.
Jennifer sitting on couch reading a magazine.
Jennifer: Is he about to sing?
Skippy: I just met the girl of my dreams in this very room.
Alex: Look, Skippy, we all know how you feel about Mallory.
Skippy: I'm not talking about Mallory. I'm talking about the other one. The one with the funny name.
Alex: You mean Jane?
Skippy: Yeah, I better write that down.
Gets a pen and piece of paper. Starts to write.
Skippy: Jane, Jane?
Jennifer, gets up from couch.
Jennifer: Jane, J A N E.
Jennifer goes up stairs.
Alex: Isn't this a little sudden Skip? I mean you just met the girl.
Skippy: Alex, it was love at first sight. I will not rest until I've made that girl mine.
Alex: How are you planning on doing that?
Skippy: I was hoping maybe you could talk to her for me.
Alex: No way Skip, keep me out of this.
Skippy: Alex, please, you got to help me, you know I can't talk to girls. I get too nervous. I get all tongue tied. I try to speak, but I just freeze up. I don't know what to say.
Alex: Well, tell her about yourself. Discuss your good qualities.
Skippy: Ok, what are they?
Alex: You've never been convicted of a federal offense. You buy your clothes right off the rack, and you don't spit when you talk.
Skippy: I better write these down, I'll get a notebook.
Alex: Skippy, you don't need a notebook. You're not going to have any
trouble talking to her. She's just a girl, alright. You're going to be ok.
Mallory and Jane come down the stairs.
Mallory: We're going to get something to eat, do you guys want anything?
Alex: No, not right now, thanks.
Mallory and Jane head towards the kitchen. Skippy walks quickly to get in front of Jane.
Skippy tries to speak, but can't. He accidentally, knocks over a lamp, in the process.
Steven, Jennifer, Alex, and Mallory are at the kitchen table, eating dinner.
Steven: Well, I haven't heard anyone comment on my soybeans Rockefeller yet.
Steven: It's not that bad.
Mallory: No, I saw a mouse! There he goes over by the ...
Alex jumps on the counter top, scared.
Jennifer: He went into the pantry.
Mallory: Alex, help Dad!
Alex: I'm checking the light fixture.
Jennifer: Alex, mice can't fly.
Alex: Oh, yeah Jen, ever hear of Mighty Mouse. Dad, was he wearing a cape?
Mallory: There he goes into the dining room
Steven: No, problem!
Jennifer: I'll help you Dad.
Jennifer and Steven exit the kitchen.
Alex gets down from the counter top.
Skippy enters the kitchen through the back door.
Skippy: Hi Alex.
Alex: Hi Skippy.