Family Ties Episode Don't Kiss Me, I'm Only The Messenger Transcript

Written by Ruth Bennett
Directed by Will Mackenzie
Transcribed by Jenny Dury

Page 1

Living room:

Alex: Mom, I still don't think a woman in your condition should be traveling alone.

Mallory: Alex, you know, if you had it your way, Mom would be locked in her room for nine months wearing a veil.

Alex: Oh, come on, that's not true.  I see no need for a veil.

Jennifer: Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane?

Elyse: Well, then we name her Amelia Earhart Keaton.  Don't worry honey, I'm not going to have the baby on the plane.

Steven: Elyse, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?

Elyse: No honey, the kids need you here.  What would you do at a convention with 200 women architects?

Steven: Arm wrestle for money?

Door bell rings.

Skippy: Hi there folks.  Oh, my God. It's time, your going to the hospital, your going to have the baby. I had a feeling it was going to be today.

Elyse: No, Skippy, I'm not having the baby, I'm going to Michigan.

Skippy: Oh, I see, you want the baby to have dual citizenship.

Elyse: No, Skippy.

Steven: Never mind, Elyse.  Mallory try to explain it to him. Come on Elyse, your going to miss your plane.

Elyse: Oh, ok.  Bye, sweetheart. Hugs Mallory.

Jennifer hands her something.

Elyse: Oh, thank you love.

Elyse, Steven and Jennifer leave through the front door.

Alex walks in the front door, Mallory and Skippy are in the livingroom.

Alex: Mallory, I found this girl wandering around.  She says she's a friend
of yours.

Jane: I have a name.

Alex: Congratulations.

Jane: it's Jane.

Alex: And you know it too.  You're brighter than most of Mal's friends.

Jane: Hi Mallory.

Jane hugs Mallory.

Mallory: Hi Jane.  That's my brother, I apologize.

Jane looks at Skippy.

Jane: What's this?

Mallory: Oh, that's Skippy.  Think of him as a lamp.

They go up the stairs.

Skippy looks mesmerized by Jane.

Alex: Oh, Skip.

No response from Skippy.

Jennifer comes in through the front door.

Looks at Skippy.

Jennifer: What's wrong with him?

Alex: I don't know.  Yo, Skippy. 

Whistles trying to get Skippy's attention.  Waves a hand in front of Skippy's face.

Skippy: Alex.

Alex: What happened to you Skippy?

Skippy: What happened?  Suddenly my life has meaning.  I know why I was put here on planet Earth.  I feel so alive.

Jennifer sitting on couch reading a magazine.

Jennifer: Is he about to sing?

Skippy: I just met the girl of my dreams in this very room.

Alex: Look, Skippy, we all know how you feel about Mallory. 

Skippy: I'm not talking about Mallory.  I'm talking about the other one.  The one with the funny name.

Alex: You mean Jane?

Skippy: Yeah, I better write that down.

Gets a pen and piece of paper. Starts to write.

Skippy: Jane, Jane?

Jennifer, gets up from couch. 

Jennifer: Jane, J A N E.

Jennifer goes up stairs.

Alex: Isn't this a little sudden Skip?  I mean you just met the girl.

Skippy: Alex, it was love at first sight.  I will not rest until I've made that girl mine.

Alex: How are you planning on doing that?

Skippy: I was hoping maybe you could talk to her for me.

Alex: No way Skip, keep me out of this.

Skippy: Alex, please, you got to help me, you know I can't talk to girls.  I get too nervous.  I get all tongue tied.  I try to speak, but I just freeze up.  I don't know what to say.

Alex: Well, tell her about yourself.  Discuss your good qualities.

Skippy: Ok, what are they?

Alex: You've never been convicted of a federal offense.  You buy your clothes right off the rack, and you don't spit when you talk.

Skippy: I better write these down, I'll get a notebook.

Alex: Skippy, you don't need a notebook.  You're not going to have any
trouble talking to her.  She's just a girl, alright.  You're going to be ok.

Mallory and Jane come down the stairs.

Mallory: We're going to get something to eat, do you guys want anything?

Alex: No, not right now, thanks.

Mallory and Jane head towards the kitchen.  Skippy walks quickly to get in front of Jane.

Jane: Yes?

Skippy tries to speak, but can't.  He accidentally, knocks over a lamp, in the process.

Steven, Jennifer, Alex, and Mallory are at the kitchen table, eating dinner.

Steven: Well, I haven't heard anyone comment on my soybeans Rockefeller yet.

Mallory screams.

Steven: It's not that bad.

Mallory: No, I saw a mouse!  There he goes over by the ...

Alex jumps on the counter top, scared.

Jennifer: He went into the pantry.

Mallory: Alex, help Dad!

Alex: I'm checking the light fixture.

Jennifer: Alex, mice can't fly.

Alex: Oh, yeah Jen, ever hear of Mighty Mouse.  Dad, was he wearing a cape?

Mallory: There he goes into the dining room

Steven: No, problem!

Jennifer: I'll help you Dad.

Jennifer and Steven exit the kitchen.

Alex gets down from the counter top.

Skippy enters the kitchen through the back door.

Skippy: Hi Alex.

Alex: Hi Skippy.